I hate not being able to sleep. To many things just running through my mind. Its weird how sometimes I worry about falling to sleep for fear of having an incredibly fucked dream. Might just be the coffee I was slammin earllier so I would stop dozing off while tryin to study. Although that was over six hours ago. Just can't stop worrying! Can't stop being scared. It's crazy how you can love someone so much. I know I should be positive, but when my sister told me my nephew might have something wrong with his heart. I just got the worst feeling in my chest. It's like he's my baby too. Its such a sudden shock to realize you don't know what you would do without them, because the thought of anything seriously bad happening to them seems impossible. Especially when he just so new this world. I've been known to worry a little excessively though.

I guess i'm just feeling bad because hes been sick with a high temperature since the other night. And when he was over here earllier tonight and woke up crying the way he was, it just broke my heart. Made me feel so bad because I could tell he was sick. Usually, his cries are at the top of his little lungs. But tonight, his cries were just so soft and low. He didnt even open his eyes or flayal around like usuall. Instead he kept his eyes closed and barely moved while the tears poured down his pittiful little precious round face. :( my poor baby. I had to leave the room there for a second and go into the bathroom so I could recollect myself and still save face. Babies just get sick sometimes, of course your gonna feel bad. They are young n spry, it's just their immune systems needing to get built up.

And to top it off, my National Registery EMT-B exam is on saturday. So i'm shitting bricks nervous trying to finish reading the chapters and making sure I have all the correct assessments, steps, and interventions down. All while laying in bed unable to sleep just takes the cake. I didnt get the greatest sleep last night, and tonight is even worse which is totally not good when trying to sit in class tomorrow morning and retain information and still be spry enough to study the rest of the day. Makes it a lot harder when the homies are over here constantly interupting, talking loud and blasting the t.v. Surprisingly enough I didnt mizz out on any of them, esp. since one of my biggest pet peaves is when people disturbing when i'm reading. I don't interupt you when your "show" is on, so don't bother me while i'm reading. I actually quit smoking for this shit. Nobody wants the EMT whos suppose to save their live to be a fuckin wastoid, some people might be smart enough to pull it off but thats not me. I actually feel a lot better about myself. Days go by a whole lot easier when your not lookin, or wondering when the next time you get to get high is. I feel I have so much more energy to do shit (pending also on the fact that I got enough sleep the night before).

I haven't writen in awhile. Not too good when it's usually my main stress release. I usually would bottle shit up and cry around about it later on here or in my journal. Or, if it were something really hard for me, cry when no one would be able to ever know I was. Although lately, I seem to be turning a lot of it into anger. I don't know why?? Maybe i'm so sick of so much of other peoples bullshit. It seems like such a hard task to find any geniunly good people. There are far too many self absorbed fuck heads in this world. No wonder everythings going to shit. Esp. the whole "gangster" mentality, I can't fuckin stand it. Pop culture is such bullshit.

Another thing that has been bothering me is my people. They sure go out on a limb to make if fuckin damn near impossible to love them. Our people used to have such good strong values, and they still talk about it nowadays as if we are so much better than everyone else. New Flash: Those days might as well be non-existant. All I ever see is a buncha drunkin, child-molesting, homobashing, womanizers who say they're "proud" to be native when most of us don't even know what that means anymore. And I'd like to think i'm proud of who I am and where I come from and who my ancestors were. But our people nowadays... Sure do make it hard to be proud of who you are when statistically we are the most fucked. And sure, we can blame it on colonization as much as we want. But after so long, you can't blame no one but yourself.

I fuckin love this poem! Ernesto wrote it when he was 19 years old and in med school.

I know it! I know it!
If I get out of here the river swallows me...
It is my destiny: Today I must die!
But no, willpower can overcome everything
There are the obsticles, I admit it
I dont want to come out.
If I have to die, it will be in this cave.

The bullets, what can the bullets do to me if
my destiny is to die by drowning. But I am
going to overcome destiny. Destiny can be
achieved by willpower.

Die, yes, but riddled with
bullets, destroyed by the boyonets, if not, no. Drowned, no...
a memory more lasting then my name
Is to fight, to die fighting.

Ernesto "Che" Guevara

So lately things have been going pretty good. My job is most uneventful, but its pretty awesome though at the same time because its pretty good money and it gives me ways to pay bills, which is always a fuckin blast (yeah right). I'm really greatful for it though, better then not having and job and being a broke ass.

My little brothers girlfriend also just had a baby girl yesterday and my two older sisters are both knocked, so its pretty awesome that i'm getting more nieces and nephwes by the day almost it seems. It's awesome because I sure as hell aint ever having no damn kids, so my siblings and cousins kids will make up, for the most part, the lack of children i'll never have. Although, I do plan on adopting some time in the future. There are a lot of kids just waiting for the chance at having parents, i'd have to straighten my shit up though first.

So I offically have a girlfriend now. Yay for me! Its pretty awesome man shes like fuckin metal as hell, but still has this adorably sweet ass way of doing things or saying things, that end up leaving me feeling like love drunk hippy. Shes cool as hell and I care about her a lot, but then again we live in two different states and the long distance sure as hell makes things hard. The other day I was just sittin down in my room, trying to think about anything other than her so I could focus and read, when my cousin Jimmy started singing this song on his hand drum. I could hear him through the vent, and the song pretty much just sucked me into it. Its funny how your mind can get so engulfed in a person that you always find yourself in this "day dreaming state" more and more often. But back to my point, I asked my cousin the next day what song he was going to sing in this hand drum contest he was getting in at this Valentines Day Pow Wow in town. He said it was the song he was singing the day before which was by Northern Cree and was called Driving Me Crazy.

Heres the link to the song --- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwsSqiHoUlI

Anyway, I thought it was cute.

I've been a little on the lonely side, for the lack of friends that I have here in Denver. I mean sure, if I wasn't as shy as 400lb naked fat guy, then yeah, maybe I would have had a friend or two. But what sucks is that I guess i'm kind of snob when it comes to trying to make friends. It just seems like nobody even else can come close to being even half as cool as all my homies back in Ridge. I blame them though for my snobery, its their fault for spoiling me with their abilities of always making me laugh and just being able to have a good time by just being in their pressence. But i'm also not in any situation to be passing up friends as well so, go figure.

They also tend to make it harder for me to be here when I talk to them on the phone because they always end up saying "man, you should have been here" or "nobody told you to move to Denver". I know their intentions are not to make me feel bad or anything, because I do realize they must miss me jsut as much as I miss them. But they are always just laughing at each other and having a good time, which is fuckin awesome. I mean don't get me wrong, i'm glad and happy they are having a great time and all, I just wished I could be there with them. So I end up feeling all gay and not even wanting to talk with them anymore just so I wont miss em. And I wished so much I could be there with them and I know they wish the same. But I just hoped they would understand a little better that being here is just something I have to do to try and get my life back on track. Being old and having responsibilities suck!